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Movies Nobody Asked For

Marnie Gray
Me, disappointed, posing in front of posters for movies I’ve never seen.

With so many new movies coming out, it’s really difficult to pick and choose what to watch and what to avoid. Luckily, I’ve made a devout list to help you with this decision. Take a look at four hot new movies that you should steer clear of the next time you hit the theater. 

Madame Web

With its hard-earned 2.6 star rating for its terrible storytelling and plot holes, Madame Web is a great watch. A big city girl and her two gal pals are out to stop a bad guy who wants to kill them. But here’s the fun part, the bad guy only wants to kill them because he has a vision that the girls kill him first. Talk about anti-feminist. My brother and professional movie watcher Trenton Gray describes the movie as “magical”, for it’s obvious line dubbing, plot holes, and unexplained occurrences that keep you on your toes. If you’re a Pepsi fan, this is definitely the movie for you. “There’s tons of Pepsi placement in this movie, which is great because I also love Pepsi,” says Gray, “It was really nice watching that movie and enjoying a Diet Coke.” 

Poster for movie “Abigail”, another movie I have never seen. (Marnie Gray)

Despicable Me 4

This is a movie the whole family can enjoy, because it features a family. Despicable Me 4 follows the same plot as every other Despicable Me film, with a new and completely irrelevant villain rising to power that seems to go under the radar of all legal authority and public notice, even in their flashy six-legged insect car. Our alleged hero of the story, Jack Jack (which isn’t his name, but it might as well be), is a demonic looking two-faced baby with a split personality disorder, really showing the diversity that Illumination is willing to bring to young audiences. Not to mention, we’re really getting to see some new stuff from this studio in this movie, with a watered-down plot that we’ve seen in the five other Despicable Me movies. But why create something new when you can continue to swim in the watery storyline that you’ve upheld for the past 14 years?


Wish is one of those feel good movies, especially if what makes you feel good is bad animation. The animation is really unique; it has this super unfinished design to it, making it look like they barely made it out of the storyboarding phase. It really lets the viewer feel like they’re doing the work as their eyes decode the artistic backgrounds against the poorly-shaded characters. Another thing that really stands out about this movie is how it feels so similar to every other Disney movie ever! All the characters are clearly built off of what was successful from previous movies, it’s almost like walking into the recycle bin of Disney, where not only your eyes are screaming from poor animation, but your ears too from the worst Disney villain ballad ever written. With lyrics that were clearly an afterthought, this film is truly a musical masterpiece, especially if you’re hard of hearing. 


Me being flabbergasted at all these movies I’ve never seen. (Marnie Gray)

Have you ever wanted a documentary that isn’t actually a documentary? Then Migration is the movie for you! You get to follow the classic tale of ducks migrating, but with comedy ripped right out of a beginners comedy club. Illumination must be terrified of branching out, because this film is the same as all of their other films. Watching any new Illumination movie is like walking into the recycling center of the studio. But I just recycled that joke, so what should I know? 

These four movies have really perfected the art of being bad. In fact, they’re so downright revolting, I haven’t even seen them! And you shouldn’t either! I hope this list was helpful for your next movie-making decision.

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About the Contributor
Lucy Gray
Lucy Gray, Journalist
Hi! I'm Lucy, an avid record collector, nervous dancer, and theater reenactor! You can probably find me excitedly inviting people to musicals I'm in or talking about Gilmore Girls. Thanks for reading!

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